"This is What it Feels to be Held..."

When so much has happened, it's even harder to find words that can really capture what I'm feeling and where I am right now. The song by Natalie Grant, "Held" really puts it well so if you have never heard it you should go right now wherever you can to hear it, B&N, Sam Goody, you can probably find it on the internet.
While transitioning from Camp California to Homestead of Missouri, I have been realizing that God has really blessed me with a good family, and job, and opportunities. So much I was even talking with my friend Tylane, telling her that I can't help but wait for the ...but, you know when everything is perfect in a movie so you know that something bad is about to happen.
This week was my first day back at work, I have enjoyed getting caught up with everyone. Early Monday afternoon, I got an unexpected call from my crying mother. She informed me that my older sister Ashlie who has been pregnant with my nephew Hudson for 7 months had to be enduced because they could no longer find his heartbeat. At that moment I was in shock and the excitement immediately wiped off my face. The labor went fine with no complications, but the emptiness my sister had to have felt, hurt me so much.
For me, I have never lost someone so close to my heart. At 22 I feel fortunate that it has taken that long. It's a unique feeling though, I never got the chance to hold Hudson or play with him or anything but the hopes,dreams, and expectations I had already formed, I know they will never be played out. I will admit, I was thoroughly confused at first and even now. I wasn't bitter at God so much as I wanted answers. I knew Hudson was in Heaven and that he is in a much better place than I am , but my selfishness wants him here so that I could be involved and watch him grow up.
When we drove up to the grave site and saw that little tiny white box, I realized how unatural it seems to bury an infant. I have learned that my life is not going the way I planned it out, which of course is good because it is going the way God planned it. Sunday's message was about Trusting God, it seems simple and it's a phrase thrown around often, but it is in trials that I am tested on it. I realized that when I was trying to sing "it is well with my soul", while gripping the pew infront of me so tightly. It's been a hard week, but at the end I found alot of peace.